Thursday, December 18, 2008

Today I'm grateful for............................... I know, that's terrible - for the last two years my gynecologist, of all people, has been telling me to start a grateful journal, just write one thing you're grateful for everyday and I haven't done it, so I decided to start my blog everyday with something I'm grateful for. I'm afraid that I take a lot more for granted than I realized. I've been trying to come up with something I'm grateful for all day - and sure I could just pull something out of the air - but honestly I don't feel grateful today. It's not as easy as you think it would be - I guess being grateful doesn't always just come naturally - and I think I've been having a pity party for so long now that it has really clouded my sight. Yes, a pity party, I've been hesitant to share much of this because this blog is public and I don't want to hurt anyone, namely Josh, but this is hard. Josh has been addicted to drugs and alcohol for the past 9 years - that's a long time - that's a lot of major heart break - that's overdoses and wrecks and loss of jobs and loss of friends and a loss of family to a certain extent - and if this sounds like I'm angry - that's because I am - this is not fair - this is not the life I chose - and in the beginning it was bad choices - but now it's total addiction - and I didn't use to understand addiction but I do now. Because of the stress of this on a mother - which is tremendous - I too had become addicted to Klonopin - no, not in abused amounts, in dr prescribed amounts - but over the years I had built up to a pretty high dose and it was either stop or keep going up, so I stopped - oh my gosh - I have been going through withdrawals since June - and I can't imagine what Josh has gone through. Please, please, please pray for Josh - he's been clean since September - but he's been clean that long before - this is so hard. And even though I've been so angry at God for allowing this to happen to my son - I still know that He is our only hope. I don't want to lose my son. Josh I love you sooooooo much and I will do whatever I can to help you to healing and so will your dad, I know that you already know that, we've told you many times - but now I'm making a public declaration of my love for you and my willingness to be here for you.

No comments:

The Carroll Family - Established June 30, 1979